The more the merrier.

I heard the greatest thing at a staff meeting last night. We were discussing how some of the older kids are trying on some more sophisticated methods of controlling social situations. Gone are the days when they just pushed another child away or yelled at them to go away. Now it's subtle, cerebral... much easier to miss. Now it's more like..."ummmmm, only girls wearing tights can sit at this table for lunch..." *sigh*

One of the teachers at the meeting shared an ingenious little approach to this scenario. In a conversation she was having with some kids about finding a way to include another friend in an existing situation -- she decided to get out three balls and start juggling two of them while describing a cozy little scenario of two friends playing nicely when another friend asks to join in their fun. Then she pops the third ball into the air to join the dancing circle of balls she is effortlessly keeping in the air ...."see, and now there are three friends all having fun together..." Gold!

As I reflected on it later, I got even more excited about the layers of communication she had achieved. She has everyone's attention, the message was sweet and positive and there was no blaming or pressure. Then there was this strong visual element that emphasized harmony, cooperation and joy. What a delightful way to say the same old 'you can't say you can't play' message for the umpteenth time. Now, I realize not all of us possess gratuitous circus skills, but when you think about it, there are a million ways to illustrate how things are better, more fun, more interesting, etc. when you add some more ingredients. Bread and peanut butter is good, but bread with peanut butter and jelly is yuuuummmy!!

The possibilities are endless.

Universal questions....a series.

No. 1.   "Sooooo, what do you do about discipline?"

That word, discipline....it prompts a lot of varied scenarios and experiences, doesn't it?  I suppose in this context what most people are really asking is; how can you help me when my child's (developmentally appropriate) behavior is embarrassing or makes me feel totally inadequate as a parent?!

Like so many of our parenting challenges, there is no shortcut or quick fix here. OK, no GOOD quick fix. It's true, you can exert your greater size and power of intimidation ...yelling, issuing ultimatums and threats of no dessert - all of those options will do the trick in the short term. But, when the dust settles, what is the greater take-away for the child? That the bigger person wins? Might makes right? It is unlikely that any three year old will take that experience and conflate it into a reflection on self-improvement. And the next time they grab or yell at a younger sibling or friend, will that then be an acceptable route to resolution? I assume not.

So, since our goal is for our children to be inclined to ask, negotiate, wait, understand and give - we are going to have to help them learn and then practice those skills. Over. And over. And over. But that's OK, because that's what this age is all about, lots of time to try things, practice things and marvel at what happens when you approach a problem with a positive solution. Little kids like harmony just as much as the rest of us, once they've had a nice, sweet taste of it.

The many moments throughout a day when our agenda bumps against the agenda of a child are natural opportunities to help them learn and practice actions that are based in fairness, generosity, empathy and justice. Their play situations are also a constant opportunity to choose what route to come at a problem. It's OK if the first thing doesn't work out -- given clear, kind and consistent language to practice with friends, preschoolers are negotiating their problems with remarkable skill. We notice that by the middle of the year, the older kids are acting as spontaneous arbitrators. They know what techniques are generally approved of and will offer their expertise, often without any adult prompting. It is a beautiful thing, and we could all take a lesson or two.